Vampire Peacocks in New York!
So my friend Jeremy linked me to this article this morning that I find extremely bizarre and somewhat hilarious. The pictures are my little add-on btw.
From the AP
Man beats stray peacock he mistook for vampire
July 2, 2007
NEW YORK — A peacock that roamed into the parking lot of a fast-food restaurant was attacked by a man who vilified it as a vampire, animal-control authorities said.
Beaten so fiercely that most of its tail feathers fell out, the bird was euthanized, said Richard Gentles of the city’s Center for Animal Care and Control. ”It’s just unbelievable,” Gentles said.
The peacock, a male several years old, wandered into the lot in Staten Island and perched on a car hood Thursday. Employees were feeding it when the man appeared.
The man seized the bird by the neck, hurled it to the ground and started kicking and stomping it. ”He was going crazy,” said worker Felicia Finnegan, 19.
Asked what he was doing, she said, the attacker explained, ” ‘I’m killing a vampire!’ ”
Police were looking for the attacker. It was unclear how the bird got to the lot.
end article
Ironically it was this the man who police later found out killed the peacock:
JK, yall! So I guess I’m trying to figure this whole thing out. I mean, the first and clearest explanation is that the attacker was a total schizophrenic nut job, or that he was high as a kite on speed or ‘roids (a’la Chris Benoit). That seems to make the most sense. The presence of our right brain or left brain, (whichever is the one that stops us when we get the sudden impulse to do crazy stuff like say “Hi Fatty” to a small child or smoosh pudding into the face of a stranger on the subway - is it just me?), keeps most people from killing peacocks and mistaking them for vampires. Obviously most of us know that vampires don’t exist, and that peacocks do exist, and are peacocks, not vampires. Okay the picture below does kinda make it look like the peacock is a vampire:
But okay, if he really thought the peacock was a vampire, and this happened during the day - then he’s really lying, because everyone knows that if a vampire was exposed to the sun it would instantly vaporize in a pile of dust. I could see if it happened at night, but still even if it did happen at night, the fact that he killed it with his bare hands shows that he knew it wasn’t a vampire, because you can only kill vampires with sun or a stake to the heart.
Another theory is that maybe, when the man said the peacock was a “vampire,” he meant it metaphorically. Maybe in the same way that people, (okay, me) call certain people witches or succubuses, this man felt that peacocks were beings who steal the lifeforce of another being. For instance, I know that the creepy old guys who cruise me at Pheonix are not literally “trolls,” but the metaphor is apt, because trolls want to steal my life-force (aka you know what) and are old, craggly, and not attractive. By the way, everything I know about trolls I learned from Ernest Scared Stupid.
Maybe the man and the peacock had a past. Maybe the peacock lived near the man and would come over to his house everyday and eat out of the man’s well-tendered garden, that he’d spent blood, sweat and tears to create. Maybe the man had a bumper crop that was swiftly eaten by the peacock and the man was so distraught and angry that he rode around looking for the peacock and when he found it, the word that best described it was “Vampire.” Happy Fourth of July! Isn’t America Great!
At this point it’s anybody’s guess what the hell happened, and my guess is, we’ll have to wait and see how this story plays out in la media, if you know what I mean. But I’ll be here to update you every step of the way. In the meantime, what’s your thoughts on the matter? Please send additional theories to mail@adambaran.net and I’ll post the best ones.